For some reason I feel as if all I want to express cannot be packed into a few short paragraphs. All my senses, and the thoughts in my mind, cannot fit into a word document. As I sit in this Starbucks debating on how I can soak this post with feeling, I am somewhat unsatisfied with my choice of vocabulary. I love writing, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I fear that words are not enough. Oftentimes the swirl of emotion occurring in my head cannot be expressed. There is so much going on in my life that when I make a list, more events appear after I finish. I am surprised my heart has continued beating after all that has happened, but I know I had some help along the way. When I think there is no more motivation, I have realized that there is always a subtle push. God's love. It is the only constant feeling. And yet again, it cannot be described. It has to be felt, and I believe that no one experiences it the same way. God appeals to every person differently. He loves everyone the same, but no person is alike. No person is going to feel His love like another.
So I sit here drinking my Mocha Frappaccino, (cappuccino season is over, I'm afraid) and I feel a sensation in my arms, like my fingers are being guided over the keys. None of these words are completely my own. The Holy Spirit fuels my life. God places these feelings in my head, knowing that words can not completely satisfy my desire to express. I can make my best attempt to communicate, but what I feel right now is indescribable. Everything is right. Even the music playing, "Every little thing is gonna be alright."Love surrounds me. The cause of this sudden outlook is the verse, or rather, verses I read last night.
I always write my prayers. This method began at the start of my Senior year when my AP Composition teacher required every student to purchase a Moleskine notebook she called "The Kitchen Sink." At first it was composed of To-Do lists and sappy song lyrics, but as time went on, and encounters became experiences, I began writing my prayers. It was my own personal gateway to God. And a perk: I could look back and view my answered prayers. Many times I prayed simply for what I wanted (the healing of a struggling relationship), thinking that was the right thing to do. But when things really turned bad, my prayers became more desperate. I specifically remember writing one night, with tear stained cheeks, a prayer for understanding. Instead of fighting the present, I wanted to be able to accept it. I prayed for clarity, and I have it written down, I can prove it. Then, about a week later, as if my world had been dark as night all of my life, I could suddenly see what God wanted. Life was clear, and bright! I realized that praying for worldly desires is completely useless. God will only give you what is exactly right for you, so it is better to pray that He reveal His love. Pray for God to be with you, and He will always answer, as my church Reverend mentioned a few months ago, actually right around the time this occurred. This verse exemplifies my experience.
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."
So I wrote/prayed for longer than usual last night after reading this verse. I guess I felt compelled to express my joy. And then, when I believed I was finished for the night and had closed my Moleskine, I read this other verse.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, no any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Thats all I can think of to describe this verse. It is like an embrace from Heaven above. And as I write this, I realize that this resembles what I was writing earlier. God's push of love is always with us, even when there is nothing else. It will not leave us stranded. And that is a wonderful feeling. He is your lifelong companion, at any time of any day. Throughout your whole life, you have Him and He has you.
Unfortunately I have not taken any photoshoots. But in the next few days I am attending some major events, and there will be an plethora of pictures from those.